“I still wonder why I wasn’t treated for depression, why no one noticed I’d been sexually abused, why the doctors didn’t seem to believe that I came from a home with physical violence. Why the thing they cared the most about was whether I acted the part of a feminine young lady. The shame is that the effects of depression, sexual abuse, violence: all treatable. But where I stood on the feminine/masculine scale: unchangeable. It’s who I am.” – Dylan Scholinski, The Last Time I Wore a Dress 

Dylan Scholinski, an artist, author, and public speaker, was born Daphne Scholinski. As a young girl growing up in the Chicago suburbs, she played first base in Little League and preferred drawing to playing with dolls. When she was 15 years old, she was locked up in a mental hospital, diagnosed as “an inappropriate female,” and spent the rest of her high school years undergoing extreme femininity training. At 18, her insurance stopped covering treatment and she was discharged. 

Dylan’s experiences as a gender non-conforming individual and “accidental patient” inspired them to decades of work supporting youth through art to explore and accept their individual identity. In 1997 Dylan (then Daphne) published The Last Time I Wore a Dress. Today, Dylan’s book was re-released with a new epilogue.  

Pathways to Resilience Director Lauren Block had the opportunity to interview Dylan to discuss their experiences and opportunities to support the LGBTQ+ community – particularly youth.  

The Last Time I Wore a Dress was originally published in 1997. There were not too many books like yours at the time. What inspired you to share your story?  

From the time that I left the hospital when I was 18, I have always been trying to tell my story in some way, shape or form. I mean, that is something that often happens when you experience trauma – at some point, you try to tell someone. Oftentimes, I was met with, “Oh, that’s too bad. What do you do now?” People did not really want to go into the details. 

I am an artist, and I would have art shows where I always left journals for people to leave me notes. I would get these comments from people telling me, “Oh my god, I’m so glad I found your artwork,” or “I’m so glad I met you because I had this experience, or my uncle or my sister, or my neighbor…”, so I had the benefit of knowing that I wasn’t alone in my experience., I could bring that to other people through my art, but only a certain type of person goes to an art show. So, in 1995, after I had begun speaking out about my experience as an accidental patient, I went to China to testify about my experience with a human rights violation at the United Nations Conference on Women. There I met an editor from a publishing house who was inspired by my story and could see the value in sharing it with a wider audience. When people started to really encourage me, it was a powerful experience to feel my voice heard. 

And you are right. It was not something that was talked about much. It was very much at that cusp of the beginning of the conversation. Trans people have been involved in our history from the beginning, but our stories were not really being shared authentically. 

What made you decide to re-release the book now? 

Part of it is the context of where the country is now. Here we are, 25 to 30 years later. While a lot of things have changed, unfortunately, still a lot is the same. Currently for the transgender or gender non-conforming communities, there’s a lot of laws that are being proposed to limit access to care, access to just living your life, going to the bathroom. To let this story come out again, and to be part of this current conversation shows that a lot of what’s happening isn’t necessarily new. It’s just that some of the bad stuff happening has more power and reach than it had before. 

Which brings me to deciding to do the audiobook. I mean, when they first asked me, I was like, no way, I am not a good reader. I was always the kid that never read aloud in class, I was terrified at the thought of it. I feared public speaking and all kinds of things that I do now. It has always amazed me, the things we are capable of doing when we are in an act of saving our own lives. I had a conversation with the producer for the audiobook, and they said we can get another trans person to read your book if you would like. Then they mentioned this other book called Stone Butch Blues, which is this incredible, before-it’s-time book by Leslie Feinberg. They brought up how wonderful it would be if we had an audiobook in Leslie’s voice. Leslie has passed on, so that will never happen. I thought, you are right, this is my story, and it should be in my voice. It will become a permanent record – and because I work with kids, and I talk to them so much about meeting their fears and moving through their fears, I was like, what kind of example am I setting, if I don’t do that for myself? 

A lot has changed in your life since this book was first published. Can you share a little about your path since then? 

When I wrote the book I still identified as Daphne. I still identified as she, and as a lesbian. I think throughout my life as I have discovered various parts of myself, my identity has shifted with those discoveries. When I first came out, the world had told me I was a woman, and I had an attraction to women, so by definition that must make me a lesbian.   At first, I was scared to death. I thought, they’re right, I’m crazy. But then I thought, wait a minute, this is all about love, and I am not a bad person. But I still had this conflict in myself with being a lesbian.  It was not about internalized homophobia; I saw nothing wrong with being a lesbian. It was in fact that I did not identify as a woman. At that time, I did not have the language or the understanding of transgender. Eventually I figured that out and I came out as trans. But even that has its limitations. It is still based on gender as this two-party system: if you are not male and you are not female, then you are this other thing. It took me a while to fully understand that even that was problematic for me. I do believe I was born trans, but we do not have that on birth certificates. I consider myself to have been a constant state of becoming, and that will hopefully continue without limitation.  

What are your thoughts about policy changes that can be more supportive and prevent trauma in transgender and gender non-conforming youth and adults?  

I think a lot of the trauma that that happens for youth happens in community, family, and schools. I was the only out trans employee in the Jefferson County School System (in Colorado) for 12 years and I ended up losing my job because of a principal that became afraid of my identity and stopped talking to me. They eventually dissolved my position, and for this I had no recourse. I did not even get to say goodbye to my students or coworkers, I just did not show up the next year. I cannot even put to words how much this hurt me – and my students. 

Gender-Neutral Bathrooms
They sometimes put gender-neutral bathrooms in schools but to use them, kids typically must, in addition to being outed, walk across the entire school to access them. So you are creating some opportunities, but not necessarily in a completely safe or effective manner. Also forgetting that gender-neutral bathrooms are not just about gender – they are also for kids that have experienced trauma, or simply do not want to pee in a group setting. Being given that opportunity to choose a single stall or gender-neutral bathroom benefits everyone. Every bathroom has potential to be gender neutral, you know, we are all in there doing the same thing. 

Self-Identified Pronouns on Legal Documentation
Now I can have an X on my driver’s license, because in Colorado we have that option. It’s only been in the last few years that they allowed the X onto the license, which is great. People might still look at me and be like, “Well, what does that mean?” but at least I have a legal thing that says it is okay for me to be X. There are still hoops to jump through for the X though. It is certainly not near what we have had to go through historically, and it is a relatively easy process, however it still involves getting a signature from a doctor or primary care practitioner – and if you are young, you also need parent approval. 

When I had to legally change my name to Dylan for my license, I had to go through posting it in the paper, going to see a judge, getting fingerprinted – and it costs money. That is another obstacle for many people, especially youth, that are trying to change their documents. Many cannot afford to do these things. There is so much to know about how to make that happen for yourself, and that knowledge is typically passed on from within community and by word of mouth. A lot of these young kids that are suicidal at the age of 12 and 13, they do not have access to being able to do that for themselves, and if they do not have supportive parents this can become overwhelming for them. 

How are you, personally or professionally, working with and supporting the LGBTQ+ community? 

I’ve always been an artist. When I lived in New York, I used to have these kids on the block that everybody was terrified of. People called them “the intimidators.” I was getting my masters in painting at Pratt Institute at the time, and one day I said to these kids, “you know, you can choose to sit here and bully people, or you could come down to my studio and make some art with me. You can show up anytime you want.” Slowly, I had one kid come, and then one of their friends came, and before I knew it, I had like, 10, 15, kids that were showing up after school and just kind of hanging out and making art, learning ways to express themselves in ways that weren’t harmful to themselves or to others.  

I have taken that way of being with me to every city I have lived in ever since. In 2006 I arrived in Colorado and quickly learned that it had one of the highest suicide rates in the country, especially amongst youth. So, I made my studio more official by giving it a name (Sent(a)Mental Studios and The HAVEN youth project) and began staffing it with regular open studio hours. The young artists always found me through word of mouth; they have always been referred to the studio through the people that I know and the people that they know. 

A lot of these kids have multiple services in place, but they do not have the one service that they really need, which is a place for them to just pause and breathe, and in a truly shame free environment. It is not based on who you have been, or who you need to be. It is about learning how to love yourself and each other in this moment. The release of expectation from others and redirection to expectation based on yourself. It has been proven within suicide prevention that if you can get a depressed and/or suicidal person to survive just one year, you lessen their chances of a repeat attempt.   

If you could give your childhood self any encouragement or words of wisdom, what would they be? 

That I am really proud of you for sticking around, and for staying true to yourself and who you are. Throughout all my treatment so many people have asked me, “why didn’t you just put on a dress, act like a girl, get out of there?” If I had done that, I would have surely lost myself, and overall, that would have been more dangerous to me and my mental health.

I think the message that I have for youth today is to find your person. It may be just one person, but find that one person that really sees you, because that person is going to be the one that you are going to hold on to. Like my third-grade teacher, or the intern that told me I was so sane and normal at my third hospital. Without those two people in my life, I do not think I would be alive today. That is really my own personal goal – to be that person for as many people as I can. I nearly always pause and take the time to notice you – and let you know you have value. 

So, my message to youth would be don’t give up, and search for that one person. 

To learn more about Dylan’s work with youth, visit the Sent(a)Mental Studios website.  

You can connect with Dylan by email at sentamentalstudios@gmail.com